


What Jess Saw in Heaven

by waterbird13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical major character death, Chuck is God, F/M, Jess's POV, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Stanford Era, Wincest - Freeform, assumption of previous underage relationship, mentions of possible child abuse, previously established relationship being re-established, season one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2013-09-03
Packaged: 2017-12-25 11:48:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterbird13/pseuds/waterbird13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jess loves Sam Winchester, really she does, but she just doesn't know him all that well. After she dies, she has to realize how little she actually knows about the man she loved before she can move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Jess Saw in Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Alright, I've been looking to write another fic for a while now, so here's a short little snippet while I work on some longer ones. This is entirely from Jess' point of view, and it's her look at her boyfriend as she knew him while living, and as she comes to know him while she's in heaven.
> 
> Let's see...warnings for non-graphic sex, mentions of an eating disorder and possible child abuse, incestuous gay sex (still non-graphic), a canonical major character death, the assumption that Sam and Dean had sex while Sam was underage (under eighteen), discussion of heaven and the afterlife (set in the Supernatural canon), and the assumption that Chuck Shurley is God. I think that's it. Enjoy!

Jess dies, and she still doesn’t really know her boyfriend. 

She knows his name is Sam Winchester, though once she’s in heaven she realizes that she never knew his middle name. He’s six feet, four inches, one hundred seventy pounds, and every pound is pure muscle. He has a goofy grin that she wishes she saw more often. He’s crazy smart, but she always thought it was weird that he could probably write a book about roadside attractions across America but didn’t know how to open his own bank account when they met.

They go out to eat sometimes, but she hates the way Sam studies the menu like it’s going to appear on a final exam, the way he inevitably orders a salad, the cheapest one there is. She likes burgers, thick slabs of beef medium rare, and Sam sometimes looks wistfully at her plate. She always offers to share, and he always turns her down.

She still doesn’t understand the way he sleeps, tense and uncomfortable, flinching awake at the slightest sound. He has nightmares, she knows, but he wakes up almost silently almost every time. She sometimes wonders how many years of training it took him to be able to do that, and she feels dread at thinking of why.

He wants to be a lawyer, but unlike all the other tools who say they want to help people but really only want to get rich, Sam really does want to help people. He once told her that there’s more than one way to help people, and he has simply found his own way. She can only guess at what that means.

He has a brother named Dean, a father he doesn’t get along with, and a dead mother. He hasn’t spoken to his family since he left for school. Jess privately thinks he was abused at home, because how else do you explain the scars and the nightmares and the eating and the skittishness and the desire to disappear? But she never says it to Sam, and he never says too much to her. Says his father trained him and Dean like soldiers, from the time they were little kids. Says his father left a lot and Dean took care of Sam. Says he hates himself for being a drain on his brother, for taking away Dean’s childhood. Jess doesn’t know what to do with these admissions.

Sam has a full class load and works at Starbucks thirty hours a week and sometimes does cash under the table work for a landscaping crew on weekends and works out for an hour or two every day, but she still feels cherished, like she’s the center of his world. He never asks her for anything besides honesty, and does the best he can to be good by her. In turn, she tries to do her best for him, though she has a feeling that he’s not very honest with her. If she’s being honest with herself, she doesn’t want him to be. His past seems ugly, and she’s not sure she can handle it.

She bakes cookies and brownies and cakes when she’s stressed, and Sam always has a piece and smiles brightly at her, tells her it’s delicious, but he never eats anymore than that. He lives off of healthy, cheap food, and while it helps his bank account and keeps his body fit, even a random stranger can see the toll it takes on him. When they lie cuddled together after sex, she could count his ribs if she wants. 

And that’s another thing. The sex. He’s great in bed, but he’d been so nervous and unsure when they first met, like he has no idea what to do with a girl laid out under him, so she thinks maybe he was a virgin and just too shy to tell her. But he has huge hands and a sweet mouth and a massive dick, so he learns quickly and the sex is great.

He keeps a knife on him almost all the time, assures her it’s legal but she doubts it. But he’s practically a soldier, and he’s been trained too well to let it go. She wonders what kind of man trains his children to be soldiers, what kind of man wants them to be that.

He once scams a stranger out of three hundred bucks playing pool, and after she rushes him out of the bar, he tells her it’s just what they do. His dad taught his brother, and Dean taught him, and they never lose. Three days later, he takes her to a nice dinner and gives her a box with a pair of shiny silver earrings in them, and she knows where the three hundred has gone.

She takes him home for Christmas when they’ve been together for over a year. She calls her parents a week before and give them a long list of things not to mention to Sam. His family. His hometown. The food he is—or isn’t—eating. His childhood. Her mother exasperatedly asks if there’s anything they can talk about, and Jess shrugs helplessly. 

They’re good about it, asking Sam about school and work and plans for the future, looking forward instead of back. Jess’ sister Brittany has a crush on him by the end of the weekend, but it’s not really a surprise, because Sam is smiling, and no one can resist those dimples.

They’re walking home from a restaurant one night, through one of the worse areas in Palo Alto, and a man tries to grab Jess from the shadows. Sam has him on the ground in less than four seconds, unconscious. He puts him back in the shadows and steers Jess home. Later, she thinks maybe she should’ve called the police, but Sam seems like he’s from an entirely different world than the police. Sam protects himself and the people he cares about, and that’s that.

Then one night she wakes up and Sam isn’t in bed but there are voices downstairs. It’s Dean, and he’s there to take Sam away. He hits on her, and Jess can’t help but wonder how these two are related. Sam seems determined to keep her there, to keep Dean at arms length, but whatever Dean says scares Sam, and she reluctantly leaves when asked.

He’s leaving, says he needs to help find his father, and she wants to scream, wants to ask why he needs to find the man who abused him, but she says nothing and lets him go with a kiss.

She calls her sister the next morning and cries, worried she’s going to lose him, but Brittany says maybe things will get better for them, that Sam will confront his father and his demons and come home ready to talk, ready to move on. Jess hopes so, allows the words to comfort her, and sets to baking. Maybe she can convince Sam to eat some cookies when he gets home.

She’s not alive when he gets back. She’s already in heaven, watching what’s happening below, screaming in agony as Sam tries to save her, even if she’s already gone, even if there’s nothing anyone can do. But Dean saves him, pulls Sam out, and Jess thinks maybe she likes him after all.

She watches Sam fall apart, watches Dean coax him to eat even the most minuscule meals, watches Sam listlessly waste away. After her funeral, Sam seems to gain some strength back, and the two brothers hit the road together, leaving Palo Alto behind.

And she watches them and learns about monsters, learns that a demon killed her, and it’s exactly the same way Sam’s mom died. She learns that Sam’s not just a soldier but one who hunts monsters. She learns she never knew Sam at all.

A man in a bathrobe approaches her, three weeks after she died and started watching. He looks like her Uncle Larry after his wife left, disheveled and drunk and listless. He has kind smile, though.

“That’s enough,” he says gently. “You don’t need to watch this anymore. You need to move on. Go to your heaven, go where you can be happy for eternity.”

“But…Sam’s down there,” she protests.

The man nods sadly. “I know. And Sam has many years ahead of him, many terrible things, awful choices…and you can’t help, Jessica. You’re dead. Your death isn’t the first terrible thing to happen to Sam, but it hurts him badly. It’s only going to get worse for him. Don’t you want to avoid seeing that?”

Her lip trembles. “Sam’s life…is he ever going to be happy?”

The man’s frown deepens. “Sam has been set aside for a special destiny. As was Dean. It was always meant to be this way. But even I can’t tell you what’ll happen, Jessica. That’s Sam’s choice. He’s a good man. He’ll do his best. It’s…possible, that he could be happy someday. But you won’t ever get to be part of it. You can’t help him be happy. All you can do is move on.”

She feels tears slide down her cheek. “I won’t see Sam again, will I?”

He shakes his head. “Sam’s heaven, should he make it here, isn’t yours. I know you love him, and he loves you, but you were never meant for each other.” He glances over the side, down to Earth, watching the two brothers just as Jess had been, but she thinks maybe he sees something more, something that she missed.

The man groans. “You’re not leaving, are you?” She shakes her head. “Alright, then, suit yourself. But I came now for a reason. You’re not going to like what you see next.”

So she starts watching again with a morbid curiosity. It’s another motel room, one of thousands, but there’s only one king sized bed.

Sam backs up quickly. “Dude, what the fuck?” he snaps.

Dean shrugs. “You’re not sleeping, Sam. I’m gonna make sure you do. Be there when you have a nightmare. No more pretending you’re fine.”

Sam looks mutinous but Dean looks determined, so they end up crawling into the bed together, Sam playing little spoon. He sleeps through the night, with only a few quiet whimpers that Dean’s hand in his hair soothes away instantly.

The sun is rising again when things start to change. Dean whimpers this time, and Jess realizes that he’s jerking his hips, and she’s waiting for the awkward tension when Dean wakes up to realize he’s rubbing his morning wood off on his brother.

Sam wakes up first, and stills for a moment before turning in Dean’s arm and reaching down Dean’s pants, wrapping his fingers around Dean’s dick. Jess gasps just as Dean does, but Dean doesn’t protest, so she supposes they’re reacting for very different reasons. Dean arches his head back and begins a steady litany of Sam’s name. He shoots his load in less than three minutes.

He pants for a moment, and Jess tries to control her blush. “What was that, Sammy?” he asks, and that word still gets to Jess, because Sam never allows anyone to use it, but Dean acts like it’s his right to do so. 

Sam rolls onto his back, too. “I don’t know, Dean,” he says. “You wanted it.”

“Fuck you,” Dean spits. “I don’t want it if you’re just giving it. I want you to want it. But we’re over, right? Not normal enough for you.”

“You’re my fucking brother!” Sam spits back.

“I’m also the brother you’re fucking. Now, why?”

Sam slumps back, fight gone from his body. “Because it’s no longer I have to find someone else because you wouldn’t come with me. I can’t go back, you’re not leaving, we’re both here. No more wrong place, wrong time. We’re both here.”

Dean’s face softens. “Alright, Sammy. What about Jess?”

“She’s dead, Dean.”

“For three weeks.”

“It’s always been you, Dean. I loved Jess. Love her, always will. But that’s never gonna erase what I feel for you. Jess…she never knew me, not really. What the hell could I tell her? You? And me? Well, we’re two of a kind, I guess.”

It stings, but Jess knows it’s true. She never knew Sam Winchester, the man who hunts monsters and is hunted by them in turn, the soldier who is ready for anything, the man who loves Dean Winchester above all else. 

The man in the bathrobe is looking at her kindly. “Do you understand now?” he asks. “Sam loves you, Jessica. Don’t doubt it. But you can’t help him and you can’t wait for him. It’s time to move on.”

“You guys allow that?” she asks, jerking her head to the two brothers, now kissing passionately on a motel bed. 

The man considers. “Each case is always taken individually. No rule can apply across the board. We say, “thou shalt not murder,” but should a woman who kills her abusive husband to protect her and her child be kept from heaven? Sam and Dean are different, Jessica. They have a difficult destiny before them. They are all the other has, and all they ever will have. They are soulmates.”

She nods, because even she can see that now. “If I wanted…wanted to move on,” she begins hesitantly. “Where would I go? What’s waiting for me?”

He smiles a bit. “Happiness,” he simply says. “I don’t know for sure. It’s different for every person. But it’ll be whatever will make you the happiest. For eternity, all you’ll be is happy. It’s not such a bad deal. And as for getting there, all you do is turn around and walk away. Go into the mist over there, and that’s it. Decision made. You can never come back, but you’ll be happy forever.”

She nods and looks over one last time. “Goodbye, Sam,” she whispers. She doesn’t say she loves him, because everyone knows she does. But she knows it’s not enough. Then she turns and walks into the mist, going for her heaven, her eternal paradise.


End file.
